Published the week of 11/13/05

Parent-grandparent relationships can be tense. But if people read and listen to Don Schmitz¿s ideas about grand parenting, families will be much healthier, and youngsters will do much better.

Schmitz has written a truly terrific book, The New Face of Grandparenting. I'm amazed at how much wisdom he packs into a book of just under 200 pages. Usually I write about schools and families, but today's focus is strictly on families, and how we can help our children and grandchildren.

Think for a moment about your parents, and your grandparents. What was great about the relationships, and what would you have changed?

Each of us probably could fill several columns with answers to those two questions.

Fortunately, my mother and father in-law completely understood what Schmitz calls the "Four L's of Grandparent: Loving, Laughing, Learning and Listening." Notice that "laying out how you should live your life" is not included in that list.

My in-laws got it. There were extremely supportive at a time, early in my marriage, when we had twins. This was a challenge, emotionally and financially. What they gave us was support, whether it was baby-sitting, encouragement, or assistance around the house. What they did NOT give us was advice, UNLESS we asked for it. Since my wife and I did not feel her parents were constantly pressing us to adopt their ideas, or questioning what we did, we were much more likely to seek their views.

Schmitz calls these the "help when asked" grandparents, as differentiated from the "parents forever," and the "been there, done that" grandparents.

He also includes dozens of "cute grandkid," stories.

But this is no Pollyanna. Schmitz has seen plenty of mistakes, and acknowledges he has made some of his own, as a father and grandfather. He explains, for example, "Despite our best intentions, we make mistakes. Things happen; devastating things we never intended. It's never too late for reconciliation."

He also knows what grandchildren really need: "Material gifts are not what grandchildren need or remember. What is remembered is our gift of time. The best gifts are the activities you engage in with your grandchildren instead of for them. Do things with them, not for them."

He's right. I remember going to Chicago Cubs baseball games with one of my grandfathers. And I remember learning to play card games with one of my grandmothers. They gave me many presents. I appreciate many of the gifts. But what I remember most is time we spent together.

Schmitz has a website, www.grandkidsandme.com. But I found the book discounted from some on-line book companies. If you are a parent or a grandparent, I'd get it. Your life will be happier. And your child/grandchild will be more like the best of who you are.